Expecting

In all honesty, I don't know what I'm expecting.

People ask me if I'm terrified, nervous, or excited, and I just shrug and say "YES!"

All of the things. And none of them. Because I don't know what to expect. I'm bracing myself for that moment when I'm in labor in the hospital and I have a complete meltdown, screaming, "WAIT! Is this really happening? I'm not ready for this!! I have no idea what I'm doing!!!"

Fortunately, no one does. I often compare my pregnancy to my mom's, who was not as fortunate as I was and waited 8 years for her first child to enter her life. Surely she had plenty of time to prepare and definitely knew what to expect, right? Incorrect. She lived hours away from her family, including her mom, and back in 1982 you couldn't just text the one who birthed you and say, "Hey Mom, did I just feel a contraction?" or "How did breastfeeding work for you?" She had to figure it out on her own, like many moms out there, and she did great. (Well, her three daughters turned out okay!)

I'm a planner. I like to know my future and know my way. I like the path to be lit up before I take a step onto it. My LDS mission in Tennessee helped me understand finally what the Lord had been trying to teach me: That's not how faith works.

Ultimately, this little girl is not really mine. I may say that she is a lot, but she's on loan. She is a daughter of a Heavenly King, and He is entrusting her to our care. He will not let us fail. I cannot plan or expect anything, but I can trust that we will know what to do when the time comes.

Scott and I will mess up. And I sure hope with all my heart that people who see those mistakes will let it go and remember that they are imperfect too. There is too much judgment and too much hatred right now. Why should I be so afraid of not being a perfect mom? I've never done it before. How can I be perfect at something I've never practiced?

I believe this is a pivotal part of the healthy relationship Scott and I have had for our nearly two years of marriage. There is so much people can pick apart and accuse of each other. Whenever Scott has made a mistake or done something I did not like, I pause and remember that I probably made 4 mistakes a minute earlier, and he never said a word. I love my husband and his never-ending kindness and patience. Is it really necessary to point out his flaws? Is it constructive? Am I just being prideful?

Anyway, I digress. When we expect, sometimes we forget to trust and have faith in the One who already knows All. Instead, let's hope, let's pray, and let's do, and not get discouraged when things don't go according to our best laid plans. So let's toast: I raise my cup of chocolate milk (a current staple) and say, "Here's to having no idea how to parent!"